Things I’ve Learned Today

  • Sea food is only for Dolphins.
  • I’m a liar, because sharks DO TO make a sound. They go DAH DUM, DAH DUM, DAH DUM (cue my husband spitting out his coffee back in his cup because he was laughing too hard to swallow it, which was malignant (magnificent))
  • At weddings, you eat toast.
  • Pregnant women can’t wear shoes with laces. It’s forbidden by law.
  • Chicken is made out of chicken.
  • In this house, we have Sam Meat and Rhye Meat. Sam meat is very delicious. Rhye meat is meat that you keep chewing, but will never go away (thanks, bud).
  • Sadie is two, and therefore the oldest she has been in her entire life. Can’t poke holes in that logic.
  • Men have to shave. Their foreheads, too. Because they look like Bert from Sesame street if they don’t.
  • When you’re all grown up, you only grow sideways. And fur.
  • ‘Yia Yia teaches bullies to behave themselves!’ (She fosters pitbulls)
  • Old and wrinkly people are old and wrinkly because they fall asleep in the tub and stay in too long.

… And it’s only 7am.

Family Ties

When my phone rings at seven in the morning, it’s usually one of two people – My mother, who gets up at 6 in the morning regardless of what day it is and thinks the rest of the world does too, or my brother  Rhett who doesn’t believe in time zones. When our phone rang this morning I hoped it was my brother.

So of course, it was my mother.

‘You didn’t tell your great auntie Mildred that you were pregnant?’
‘My great auntie who?’
‘Mildred! Your uncle Caleb’s mother.’
‘I have an uncle Caleb?’
‘Honestly Rhye, sometimes I wonder if you’re even part of this family.’

I often wonder the very same thing.

In my defense, I have a very large family. They all live in far away, exotic places like… Germany (okay, so maybe not the MOST exotic of places, but whatever). After a long, long conversation with my mother, I learned that Mildred was indeed the mother of Caleb, and Caleb was my aunt Josephine’s third and fifth husband. Don’t ask. My aunt Josephine, in turn, isn’t really an aunt at all. She was my grandmother’s cleaning lady. And my mother expects me to keep up with this stuff. Not only that, but she expects me to call all 1257 members of my clan with news. Regardless on whether I’ve ever even met these people.

I can tell you right now that’s never going to happen.

But perhaps I can send great auntie Mildred my blog url.

Failed Romace, Questionable Food and Cowardice

Sam: ‘I love you more than Nutella.’
Me: ‘Whoa.’
Sam:I know.

Sam: ‘Do I smell Chinese food?’
Me: ‘No, but I think Lucy just farted.’ (Lucy is our dog)
Sam: ‘…Remind me of this moment next time I suggest picking up Chinese food.’

Sam’s Best Friend, Cash: ‘Teach me something very Dutch to say.’
Me: ‘Vanavond eten we mosselen.’
Cash: ‘What does that mean?’
Me: ‘Tonight we eat mussels.’
Cash: ‘Ah, alright. Vanavond eten we moslim.’
*My husband and I crack up laughing.*
Cash: ‘What, did I say it wrong? What did I say?!’
Me: ‘Tonight we eat muslim.’
Cash: ‘That’s… not good.’

Cole: ‘What would you do if we got robbed, like, RIGHT now?’
Sam: ‘Watch them run.’
Cole: ‘That’s all?’
Sam: ‘I’d probably pee my pants, too.’

*Spotting a rainbow*
Me: ‘Look! So pretty! Quick, be romantic!’
Sam: ‘Okay!’
*He puts his arms around me and we snuggle*
Sam: Quick question.
Me: ‘Hmm?’
Sam: ‘Are we looking at that rainbow, or the lady with the epic camel toe?’